Feeling to Heal: How Psychotherapy Helps You Understand and Use Your Emotions

Emily Jiang
12 minutes ago
5 min read

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by your emotions that you didn’t know what to do next? Or maybe you found yourself shutting down and feeling nothing at all, even though something was clearly wrong? Psychotherapy can help us understand our emotions, even the most painful ones, and use them to grow stronger. In this post, we’ll explore how Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) helps people feel better by feeling more—and how this process works, even for people who think they’re “bad with emotions.”

We’ll break this topic down into simple ideas so that anyone can understand it, no matter their background. You’ll learn about basic and complex emotions, how emotions are processed in therapy, and how emotion coaching helps people heal. By the end, you’ll understand how psychotherapy helps you connect with your feelings—not to be overwhelmed by them, but to learn from them and move forward.

Understanding Emotions: More Than Just Sad or Happy

People feel many different emotions, from the basic ones like sadness, anger, fear, and shame, to more complex ones like love, guilt, pride, or compassion. Basic emotions usually come from immediate threats or needs. Imagine a time when ancient humans saw danger—they’d feel fear and either run away or fight. These emotional reactions were clear and helped them survive.

As people grew and societies changed, we began to feel more complex emotions. We might feel guilt for hurting someone, or compassion for someone in pain. These emotions are rich in information. They help us reflect, connect with others, and make sense of life, even if they don’t always lead to a specific action. A big part of therapy is understanding how all these emotions show up in our lives—and figuring out which ones are most important.

“Me” Emotions and “It” Emotions: Where Are Feelings Coming From?

Emotions come from both inside and outside us. Some, like fear when you’re in danger, are reactions to the world around you. These are called “it” emotions. They help us respond to real-life events, like moving out of the way of a speeding car or standing up to unfair treatment.

Other emotions come from how we see ourselves. These are “me” emotions, and they can be harder to deal with. Think about feeling ashamed because you made a mistake, or embarrassed because you stood out in a crowd. These feelings may not be tied to something happening right now, but to how we think about ourselves. Therapy helps people explore these “me” emotions, understand where they come from, and learn what they mean.

Productive vs. Unproductive Emotions

Not all emotional experiences are helpful. Some emotions help us grow, and others keep us stuck. In psychotherapy—especially in Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)—therapists try to support productive emotional processing. That means helping clients feel emotions in a way that leads to healing and change.

Productive emotional processing happens when someone is able to stay with their emotions, understand them, and see what they mean. Unproductive emotions, on the other hand, feel overwhelming, confusing, or repetitive. If a person keeps crying and saying they feel worthless, without any shift or new insight, they may be stuck in an unproductive cycle.

Therapists guide clients toward productive emotional experiences. This doesn’t mean just “feeling more,” but learning how to feel wisely.

The 7 Steps of Healing Emotions in Therapy

Emotion-Focused Therapy outlines seven parts of emotional processing that make it more helpful and healing. Each one builds emotional intelligence and creates space for growth.

First is attending, which means paying attention to your emotions instead of pushing them away. Sometimes, people feel emotions in their bodies—like tight fists or a shaky voice—but they don’t notice them right away. A therapist helps bring awareness to these small signals.

Next is symbolization. Once someone feels an emotion, they need to put it into words or symbols. This could be saying, “I feel sad,” or drawing how they feel. Giving shape to a feeling helps it make sense.

Then comes congruence, which is when your words and body match. If someone says they’re fine but looks like they’re about to cry, they aren’t congruent. Therapy helps people notice these mismatches and move toward being more honest with themselves.

Regulation is very important. It’s about keeping emotions from becoming too overwhelming. A therapist teaches clients to breathe, pause, or take space when feelings get too strong. Deep healing doesn’t come from being flooded—it comes from being present with emotions in a safe way.

After that is acceptance. Many people judge themselves for having certain emotions, like sadness or fear. They may think, “I’m weak for feeling this way.” Therapy helps them accept their emotions as natural and important.

Agency is about owning your emotions. Instead of saying, “They made me feel this way,” a person might say, “I feel angry because my needs aren’t being met.” Agency puts you in charge of your emotional experience, instead of being a victim of it.

Lastly, there’s differentiation. Over time, people can understand their emotions better and describe them in more detail. Someone might start by saying, “I feel bad,” and then realize they actually feel angry and hurt because they were ignored. This deeper understanding helps them heal.

How Psychotherapy Helps With All of This

Therapists in EFT act as emotion coaches. They help clients name their feelings, accept them, regulate them, and express them in healthy ways. This doesn’t mean giving advice or telling people what to do. Instead, therapists help people become more aware of their emotional experience and figure out what it’s telling them.

For example, a therapist might notice that someone clenches their fists while talking about a family conflict. The client might not realize they’re angry, but with gentle guidance, they begin to explore that feeling. They might say, “Actually, I do feel angry. I’ve never been treated with respect.” From here, the therapist helps the person express that anger in a way that’s empowering, not destructive.

As people learn to feel and process their emotions, they often begin to shift. They may feel more connected to themselves, gain insight into their behaviors, and make different choices. A person who once felt hopeless might discover anger beneath that sadness—an anger that says, “I deserve better.” That new understanding can lead to change.

Takeaway: Feelings Are Messy, But They’re Also the Map

Many people come to therapy thinking they are too emotional—or not emotional enough. But the truth is that emotions are tools. They guide us, teach us, and reveal what we need. Psychotherapy, especially approaches like Emotion-Focused Therapy, helps us decode our emotions so that we can live fuller, more honest lives.

Feeling sad isn’t a problem. Feeling angry isn’t something to be ashamed of. The problem is when we don’t know what to do with those feelings or when they take over our lives in ways that hurt us. Through therapy, people learn how to sit with difficult feelings, make sense of them, and use them as a path to healing.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in your emotions, therapy can help. With time, patience, and the support of an emotion coach, you can turn even the most painful feelings into sources of clarity, strength, and self-understanding.

References:

Greenberg, L. (Emotion-Focused Therapy)

Chapters and content drawn from pages 69–91