By: Jessica Sukhu
Trauma leaves deep emotional scars, not just on the survivor but also on their relationships. Whether it's the aftermath of an accident, an assault, or a life-threatening experience, the emotional turmoil that follows can often push survivors into isolation, shutting down their emotions as a way of coping. However, this emotional barricading is a double-edged sword. While it may initially seem like a means of control, it ultimately undermines healing and strains relationships. The journey to recovery is deeply intertwined with the support of loved ones and the willingness to confront and share one's pain.
In this post, we'll explore the complex dynamics between trauma survivors and their partners, delving into how emotional isolation affects relationships, and how vulnerability, communication, and love can pave the way for healing and reconnection.
The Role of Connection in Healing
Trauma, in its essence, is an event that leaves us feeling helpless and overwhelmed, often leading to lasting emotional scars. It’s not just the soldiers or first responders who experience trauma; anyone can face such life-altering events, from childhood abuse to the loss of a loved one. Despite the varying causes of trauma, one thing remains consistent: the importance of human connection in healing.
Research confirms that trauma often leaves its marks on our relationships. Studies on survivors of the 9/11 attacks, for instance, show that those who relied on secure attachments to their loved ones fared better emotionally over time. Survivors who leaned on their partners experienced fewer flashbacks, less depression, and more overall healing. They were not only able to cope better in the immediate aftermath but often found that their relationships grew stronger as a result of facing the trauma together.
When facing a traumatic event, the need for love and connection becomes more pronounced. A loving partner provides a sense of safety and emotional grounding in the chaos. In contrast, isolation or emotional disconnection can worsen trauma’s effects, making it harder to heal and threatening to unravel relationships. Trauma does not just affect the individual—it affects the relationship, creating a ripple effect that can alter the dynamic between partners.
The Impact of Emotional Isolation on Trauma Survivors and Their Relationships
For trauma survivors, the instinct to shut down emotionally can be incredibly strong. This often arises from the overwhelming feelings of fear, guilt, or sadness that accompany the aftermath of traumatic events. Survivors may feel emotionally exposed and vulnerable, and as a defense mechanism, they withdraw and try to numb their emotions, sometimes turning to substances like alcohol or drugs in an attempt to block out the pain.
However, this isolation is not without consequences. For one, it leads to a profound disconnection from loved ones, especially partners. As the survivor shuts down emotionally, their partner often feels abandoned and rejected. The emotional distance causes a ripple effect: the survivor feels increasingly overwhelmed, while the partner grows anxious and insecure. This disconnect can turn into a cycle of pain and misunderstanding. When one partner withdraws emotionally, it’s hard for the other to offer support. This lack of emotional reciprocity can erode the bond between them, often spiraling into destructive behaviors or deeper isolation.
The Challenges of Opening Up
Despite the powerful healing potential of love, many trauma survivors struggle to seek comfort from others. For many, especially those in high-stress occupations like soldiers, firefighters, or emergency responders, the instinct is often to suppress emotions and “push through” in the face of danger. A firefighter, for instance, might shut off their emotional response during a dangerous fire but find themselves struggling with pent-up emotions afterward. This emotional shutdown, while helpful in the moment, can hinder recovery and make it difficult to share vulnerability with a partner later on.
For soldiers, the act of suppressing traumatic memories is often reinforced by a "code of silence" that discourages them from sharing their experiences with their loved ones. They might believe that revealing their emotions would burden their partners, or they may fear that expressing weakness could diminish their strength. However, as the emotional wounds from trauma remain locked inside, they fester and affect the relationship. Over time, the inability to communicate emotions can create distance, leaving both partners feeling isolated.
This emotional disconnect can result in misunderstandings. For example, a soldier returning home might feel intense rage when his wife leaves to run an errand, believing her absence is a betrayal. His anger, stemming from the trauma he experienced in battle, might seem irrational to his wife. Yet, once the soldier opens up about his experience—his near-death encounter, the emotional weight of his injuries, and his sense of guilt—his wife gains insight into his behavior. With understanding comes empathy, and their relationship is strengthened.
Facing Trauma Together
Opening up about trauma is not easy, but it is essential for healing. The process of sharing our pain with a partner allows them to understand our emotional world, offering us the comfort and support we need. Whether or not we discuss the specific details of our trauma, it’s important to express the core of our pain. By doing so, we invite our partners into our emotional landscape, where they can help us heal.
Consider the example of a Canadian peacekeeper returning from Africa. Having witnessed horrific violence, he struggles to embrace his wife and children because they remind him of the victims he saw. His emotional withdrawal causes friction, but once he shares his pain with his wife, she begins to understand his behavior and offers him the support he needs to heal. By opening up, he is able to reconnect with his loved ones, which in turn strengthens their relationship.
Trauma also impacts the partners of those affected. When someone we love is traumatized, we share in their pain. The emotional distress of a partner struggling with trauma can lead to feelings of helplessness, frustration, and isolation. A firefighter’s wife might experience nightmares of losing her husband in a fire, while a woman caring for her partner after a car accident feels overwhelmed by the medical appointments and constant caregiving. In both cases, it’s crucial for the couple to communicate their needs and vulnerabilities. Only by sharing their emotional burdens can they find mutual healing and grow closer.
The Struggle of Shame After Trauma
One of the most insidious effects of trauma is the profound sense of shame that survivors often feel. Shame is a pervasive emotion that convinces survivors they are damaged, unworthy of love, or responsible for what happened to them. This deep-rooted sense of shame can make it incredibly difficult for survivors to reach out to their loved ones for support, as they feel undeserving of care or compassion. As a result, survivors often retreat further into isolation.
For many trauma survivors, healing from this shame requires a partner who is not only emotionally available but also capable of offering reassurance and unconditional support. A loving partner becomes a safe haven—a place where the survivor can express their vulnerability without fear of judgment or rejection.
Confronting the Monster Together
One of the most powerful ways couples can overcome the effects of trauma is by facing the trauma together. This requires open communication, vulnerability, and a willingness to meet each other’s emotional needs. Doug’s story, a Vietnam War veteran, exemplifies how love can heal deep wounds caused by trauma. Doug had always struggled with emotional withdrawal, a habit that stemmed from the "rules" he learned during the war: never show fear and never be wrong. These rules served him well in combat, but in his relationships, they created barriers that kept him emotionally distant from his wife, Pauline.
Over time, Doug’s walls began to crack. In therapy, he admitted his fears of being truly seen and known by Pauline. He confessed to feeling shame about things he had done during the war and expressed doubts about being worthy of love. Pauline’s response was one of compassion and understanding. She reassured him that she loved him, scars and all, and that his vulnerability only made her love him more. This moment of emotional openness marked a turning point in their relationship. Doug had been afraid that revealing his secrets would drive Pauline away, but instead, it brought them closer.
The Power of Love in Healing
The power of love is transformative, especially when it’s used as a tool for healing. In the case of Doug and Pauline, their love for each other provided the foundation for Doug to confront his trauma and begin healing. By allowing himself to be vulnerable and by accepting Pauline’s support, Doug learned that love wasn’t a weakness—it was a source of strength.
Similarly, Jane and Ed’s relationship was transformed when they began to understand the role trauma played in their arguments. When Ed understood how much Jane needed him to be present during moments of emotional distress, their relationship began to shift. The reassurance and emotional connection they were able to provide each other created a safe space for healing.
Final Thoughts
The key to healing lies in the ability to confront the emotional pain, to be vulnerable with loved ones, and to offer and receive support. Survivors need to break the cycle of emotional isolation and allow their partners in, while loved ones must understand the importance of being emotionally present without judgment. Through love, communication, and compassion, trauma survivors and their partners can rebuild their connection and transform their pain into strength.
Ultimately, the journey of healing is one that is best traveled together. While the road is often long and difficult, the love and understanding shared between two people can be the most powerful antidote to the scars of trauma. When partners support each other with empathy and care, they can create a foundation for healing that lasts a lifetime.
References
Resource: 'Hold Me Tight' By: Dr. Sue Johnson
Pages: 168-180
Comments