Strengthening Relationships with the A.R.E. Questionnaire: Enhancing Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement
- Jessica Sukhu
- Mar 21
- 6 min read
By: Jessica Sukhu
The A.R.E. Questionnaire offers a framework for couples to assess and strengthen their emotional connection in a relationship. It focuses on three key aspects of a relationship: accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement (A.R.E.). By answering a series of questions, partners can evaluate their bond and explore how safe, connected, and supported they feel. The questionnaire serves as a starting point for reflection and conversation, offering insights into areas that might need improvement for a more secure and fulfilling relationship. It also includes exercises that encourage partners to share their thoughts, emotions, and past experiences to deepen their emotional connection.
The A.R.E. Questionnaire consists of several sections that explore different aspects of a couple's emotional bond. Each section contains statements that partners can answer with "T" for true or "F" for false. The questionnaire helps individuals reflect on how accessible, responsive, and emotionally engaged their partner is.
Accessibility focuses on how easily one can connect with their partner emotionally. Statements in this section assess if partners feel heard, prioritized, and not lonely in the relationship. Questions ask if the individual can easily get their partner's attention and share their feelings without fear of being dismissed. The goal is to gauge whether one feels emotionally available and secure in the relationship.
Responsiveness is the second key area, evaluating whether the partner is there when needed, especially in moments of distress or vulnerability. Questions in this section ask if a partner can provide comfort, offer emotional support during difficult times, and respond to subtle cues indicating the need for closeness. The aim is to understand whether a partner is tuned in and responsive to emotional needs.
Emotional Engagement explores the depth of emotional connection between partners. It examines how comfortable each individual feels with closeness, trust, and emotional intimacy. Questions assess whether partners feel confident in their connection, can share their innermost feelings, and feel safe enough to take emotional risks. This section focuses on building trust and ensuring that both partners feel emotionally secure and valued.
The A.R.E Questionnaire
Circle T for true or F for false.
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?
1. I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F
2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen. T F
From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T F
2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F
Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T F
2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T F
4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F
After Completing the Questionnaire
After completing the questionnaire, individuals or couples can reflect on their scores. To score the questionnaire, give one point for each “true” answer. A score of 7 or above indicates a strong emotional bond, while a score below 7 suggests areas where the relationship could be strengthened. Couples are encouraged to discuss their answers, focusing on the questions that brought up the most positive or difficult emotions. This reflection allows partners to better understand each other's emotional needs and fosters deeper connection.
The exercises encourage partners to share specific moments from their relationship that exemplify their emotional connection, both positive and negative. They are also prompted to think about how they respond when feeling disconnected—whether they become anxious and push for closeness or shut down emotionally. Discussing these patterns can help partners understand their emotional triggers and work together to break negative cycles.
The questionnaire is not a one-time exercise, but rather a tool for ongoing reflection and communication. Couples are encouraged to revisit the questions and engage in deeper conversations about their emotional needs. These conversations aim to reduce negative spirals that lead to disconnection and promote emotional responsiveness.
Questions To Explore After Completing The Questionnaire
What lessons about love and marriage did you learn from your parents or community? Was being able to rely on and trust others viewed as a strength and a resource?
Before your current relationship, did you experience a safe, loving relationship with someone you trusted, felt close to, and could turn to in times of need? Do you have an image of what that relationship looked like, something you can use as a model to guide your present relationship? Think of a meaningful or typical moment that represents that relationship and share it with your partner.
Did your past relationships teach you that loved ones were untrustworthy and that you had to be on guard, fighting to be noticed and heard? Or did you learn that depending on others was risky, and it was better to distance yourself and avoid closeness? These coping strategies often resurface when we sense distance or disconnection from our partner. Which approach did you adopt in past relationships, especially with your parents, when things started to go wrong?
Can you recall a time when you desperately needed to know that a loved one was there for you? If they weren’t, how did that feel, and what did you learn from that experience? How did you cope with it? Do you think this experience influences your current relationships?
If trusting others or letting them get close is difficult for you when you’re in need, what do you do when life becomes overwhelming or when you feel isolated?
Think of two specific things that a safe, accessible, responsive, and engaged partner would do on a typical day to make you feel supported. How would those actions make you feel in that moment?
In your current relationship, are you able to ask your partner for closeness and comfort when you need it? Is it easy or challenging for you to do this? Do you worry that it may be seen as a weakness, or does it feel too risky? Rate your level of difficulty in doing this on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being very difficult. Share this rating with your partner.
When you feel disconnected or alone in your current relationship, do you tend to become emotional or anxious, pushing your partner to respond, or do you withdraw and try to suppress your need for connection? Can you recall a time when this happened?
Think of a time in your relationship when questions like “Are you there for me?” went unanswered, and it led to a fight over something trivial. Share this with your partner.
Can you remember a moment when one of you reached out emotionally and the other responded in a way that made you both feel secure and connected? Share this bonding moment with your partner.
Final Thoughts
The A.R.E. Questionnaire serves as a powerful tool for couples to evaluate and improve their emotional connection. By focusing on accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement, the questionnaire offers a way for partners to reflect on their relationship and identify areas for growth. The follow-up exercises encourage open communication, self-awareness, and shared reflection, helping couples develop a deeper, more secure emotional bond. Through ongoing conversations and intentional efforts to meet each other's emotional needs, couples can strengthen their connection and create a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
References
Resource: 'Hold Me Tight' By: Dr. Sue Johnson
Pages: 45-48
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