Understanding Self-Compassion
- asvinit09
- Oct 1
- 4 min read
You Are Your Own Worst Critic: Learning Self-Compassion
Most of us have heard the saying, “You are your own worst critic.” And it’s true. Many people are harder on themselves than anyone else ever would be. If we make even the tiniest mistake, we often criticize ourselves harshly. And if the mistake is big? We can be downright cruel to ourselves.
We judge ourselves in so many areas—our career, grades, friendships, body image, finances, or achievements. Instead of showing ourselves kindness when we struggle, we often speak to ourselves in a way we would never speak to a loved one.
This is where self-compassion comes in. It’s about treating ourselves with the same care and understanding we’d give to a close friend who was going through a hard time.
What Is Self-Compassion?
To understand self-compassion, let’s first look at compassion. Compassion means noticing suffering, feeling kindness toward the one who is suffering, and wanting to help ease that suffering. It can be directed toward anyone—people, animals, even the planet.
Self-compassion is simply directing that attitude inward, toward ourselves.
Experts like Kristen Neff and Paul Gilbert describe compassion as:
Recognizing suffering when it happens
Remembering that everyone struggles and no one is perfect
Responding with kindness instead of judgment
Actively looking for ways to ease the pain
So when we talk about self-compassion, it means being aware of our own pain, realizing it’s part of being human, treating ourselves kindly, and working to improve or ease our suffering.
Why Is Self-Compassion Important?
Self-compassion might sound “nice,” but research shows it’s also powerful.
Mental health: People who are kind to themselves have lower levels of anxiety, stress, and depression. They enjoy better relationships and higher life satisfaction.
Biology: Compassion is linked to oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone.” It helps us feel calm, connected, and safe. Self-compassion may trigger these same benefits inside us.
Emotional balance: Self-compassion helps balance our emotions by calming the parts of our brain that focus too much on danger or achievement.
The Three Emotional Systems
Psychologist Paul Gilbert explains that our emotions are controlled by three main systems:
Threat System – Keeps us safe from danger, but often overreacts to small mistakes or failures, making us anxious, angry, or shut down.
Drive System – Pushes us to achieve goals and succeed, but can become overwhelming in a competitive society. Failure often flips us back into the threat system.
Soothe System – Helps us feel calm, safe, and content. Activated by kindness, care, and compassion.
Most people get stuck switching between threat and drive. Self-compassion is the key to activating the soothe system, which balances the other two.
The Self-Critical Cycle
Self-criticism feels natural because it’s our mind’s way of trying to fix problems. But instead of helping, it usually makes things worse.
A problem happens (failure, mistake, or insecurity).
The threat system activates—anxiety, anger, or depression appear.
We criticize ourselves: “I’m so stupid. I’ll never get this right.”
Self-criticism keeps the threat system active, trapping us in negative emotions.
Over time, this cycle can lead to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and body image struggles.
Why Is Self-Compassion Hard?
Early life experiences: If you didn’t grow up with much kindness, self-compassion feels unfamiliar.
Hardwired threat system: Our brains naturally focus on danger, not kindness.
Lack of awareness: Many of us don’t notice how harshly we talk to ourselves.
Negative beliefs: Some think self-compassion is lazy or weak, but in reality it builds strength and resilience.
Benefits of Building Self-Compassion
With or without therapy, self-compassion can:
Lower stress, anxiety, and depression
Improve emotional balance
Strengthen relationships
Increase resilience in tough times
Create a sense of calm and safety
How Do We Build Self-Compassion?
Developing Self-Compassion – Notice your barriers, prepare to practice kindness, try exercises like compassionate imagery.
Applying Self-Compassion – Replace self-critical thoughts with kinder ones; take actions that show care for yourself.
Maintaining Self-Compassion – Make it a daily habit, practice consistently, and build long-term habits of self-kindness.
A Simple Way to Practice
Whenever you’re struggling, ask yourself:
Awareness: Am I noticing that I’m in pain?
Normalizing: Do I remember that everyone struggles?
Kindness: What would I say to a friend right now? Can I say it to myself?
Alleviation: What small step could help me feel better?
How Psychotherapy Can Help
While self-compassion can be learned on your own, many people benefit from psychotherapy to guide the process. A therapist can:
Increase awareness – Help you recognize when your self-criticism is active and how it affects your emotions and behaviour.
Challenge negative beliefs – Many people fear that being kind to themselves will make them lazy. Therapy can reframe self-compassion as a strength, not a weakness.
Teach practical tools – Therapies like Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or Mindfulness-Based Therapy offer exercises to quiet self-criticism and grow self-kindness.
Work through trauma – For those whose past experiences make self-compassion frightening or painful, therapy provides a safe space to heal.
Provide support and accountability – Having someone encourage and guide you can make it easier to practice new habits of kindness.
In short, psychotherapy can act like a training ground for self-compassion. It gives you the tools, structure, and encouragement to break free from self-criticism and build a more caring relationship with yourself.
Final Thoughts
Self-criticism keeps us trapped in pain, while self-compassion helps us soothe it and move forward. It’s not about ignoring problems—it’s about facing them with kindness and care.
Psychotherapy can be a powerful ally in learning this skill, especially if past experiences or mental health struggles make self-kindness difficult.
With practice, self-compassion brings greater peace, resilience, and happiness. So the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never be good enough,” pause and try instead: “I’m having a hard time, but that’s okay. Everyone struggles. I deserve kindness too.”
That small shift—from criticism to compassion—can change everything.
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