We all have those nagging beliefs that make life harder than it needs to be. These rigid rules or assumptions often lead to self-criticism and frustration. For instance, a common rule is “I should always succeed” or “I must get everyone’s approval.” When these beliefs are challenged, it’s crucial to replace them with more flexible and realistic ones that can actually help us grow. Let’s dive into how you can develop and adopt these new, more adaptive standards and how psychotherapy can play a pivotal role in this process.
Why New Rules Matter
Our old, rigid rules often come with a heavy price. They tend to be all-or-nothing, such as “I must do everything perfectly” or “I should never fail.” These standards set us up for disappointment and self-criticism. But what if we could replace these with beliefs that are not only kinder to ourselves but also more encouraging?
For example, instead of thinking “I need to excel at everything,” you might shift to, “It’s great to aim high, but it’s also important to accept myself even if I don’t always hit the mark.” This new perspective emphasizes learning and growth over harsh judgment.
Developing New Adaptive Rules
Here’s how you can start creating more adaptive rules and assumptions:
Identify Old Rules: First, pinpoint the old, rigid rules that are causing you trouble. These often include phrases like “always” or “never,” which are key indicators of unrealistic expectations.
Create New Rules: Develop new rules that are flexible, fair, and focused on growth. For instance, replace “I must always succeed” with “I can learn from my mistakes and still take pride in my achievements.”
Evaluate Costs and Benefits: Assess the impact of these new rules. What are the potential drawbacks? What are the benefits? For example, a new rule like “I’m worthwhile regardless of others’ opinions” might come with the cost of appearing self-centered, but the benefits include greater self-confidence and independence.
Behavioral Changes: Think about how these new rules can translate into actionable behaviors. If your new rule is about learning from mistakes, you might set goals to review what you did well and what needs improvement rather than just focusing on perceived failures.
Example in Practice
Let’s consider a scenario where a student feels down after a history exam because they didn’t score as well as they hoped. The old rule might be “I must get high grades all the time.” To develop a new rule, the therapist might suggest, “I can learn from my mistakes and also appreciate the parts I did well.”
The student might weigh the costs (e.g., the risk of becoming complacent) and benefits (e.g., staying motivated and reducing self-criticism). They might conclude that learning from mistakes and focusing on progress is more empowering than demanding perfection.
How Psychotherapy Can Help
Psychotherapy can be incredibly beneficial in this process of developing new adaptive rules and assumptions. Here’s how:
Guided Exploration: A therapist can help you identify and understand the rigid beliefs that are holding you back. Through guided questioning and reflection, you can uncover the origins and impacts of these maladaptive standards.
Safe Space for Change: Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment where you can explore new beliefs and behaviors without judgment. This space allows you to experiment with different perspectives and see how they affect your feelings and actions.
Skill Development: Therapists can teach you practical skills for replacing old rules with new ones. Techniques such as cognitive restructuring, behavioral experiments, and role-playing can help you test and solidify these new assumptions.
Accountability and Support: Regular therapy sessions offer ongoing support and accountability as you work to implement new rules. Your therapist can help you stay focused on your goals, provide encouragement, and adjust strategies as needed.
Role Modeling: Therapists can also serve as role models for adaptive thinking. By observing how your therapist handles challenges and adapts their own beliefs, you can learn to apply similar strategies in your own life.
Final Thoughts
Adopting new, adaptive rules can transform how you experience and handle challenges. It’s about replacing rigid expectations with more realistic, growth-oriented beliefs. By doing this, you can reduce self-criticism and embrace a more compassionate, constructive approach to life. If you’re struggling with perfectionistic standards, psychotherapy can provide the tools and support you need to make meaningful changes. Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences with developing new rules and assumptions. Remember, growth and change start with the willingness to challenge and adjust your old beliefs.
References
The CBT handbook
Pages 142 - 148
Comments