Perfectionism: When High Standards Become Too Much
Wanting to do your best can be a positive quality. High standards can motivate you, encourage growth, and help you take pride in your work. But when those standards become extremely demanding, perfectionism can begin to affect your confidence, relationships, and everyday life.
Perfectionism is not simply about wanting everything to be perfect. It can involve setting relentlessly high standards, judging your self-worth based heavily on whether you meet those standards, and continuing to pursue them even when doing so has negative consequences.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism often involves the belief that you need to meet exceptionally high standards in order to feel good about yourself.
You might find yourself thinking:
“I need to get this exactly right.”
“If I make a mistake, I’ve failed.”
“I should always be doing better.”
“Anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.”
These thoughts can make everyday situations feel much more stressful than they need to be. A small mistake may feel like a major failure, while an accomplishment may quickly become something else you feel you need to improve.
The goal is not necessarily to give up having high standards. CCI distinguishes between healthy high standards and unrelenting standards that negatively affect your life.
When high standards become unhelpful
High standards can become problematic when achieving them becomes closely tied to your sense of self-worth.
For example, you may feel proud of yourself when you succeed, but harshly criticize yourself when you make a mistake. Even after accomplishing something important, you might focus immediately on what could have been better.
Over time, this can create pressure to constantly achieve. You may feel that there is always another goal to reach and that your accomplishments are never quite enough.
Perfectionism can also continue even when you recognize that it is causing stress or other negative consequences.
The perfectionism cycle
Perfectionism can become a cycle that reinforces itself.
You set an extremely high standard. You then become focused on meeting that standard, closely monitor your performance, and criticize yourself when you believe you have fallen short.
This can lead to behaviours such as excessive checking, spending too much time on tasks, avoiding situations where you might make mistakes, or putting off getting started because you are worried you will not do something perfectly.
CCI notes that some people with perfectionism may procrastinate because they are concerned they will not be able to complete a task perfectly.
The temporary relief that comes from avoiding a difficult task or repeatedly checking your work can make these behaviours more likely to happen again.
Challenging perfectionistic thinking
One step toward changing perfectionism is becoming aware of the thoughts and rules that keep it going.
Instead of automatically accepting thoughts such as “I must get this right” or “making a mistake means I am not good enough,” try stepping back and questioning them.
Ask yourself:
Is this standard realistic?
Would I expect someone else to meet this standard?
What would happen if I made a mistake?
Am I focusing only on what went wrong?
Is there a more balanced way to look at this situation?
CCI's perfectionism resources specifically focus on identifying and challenging perfectionistic thinking, as well as adjusting unhelpful rules and assumptions.
Learning to accept mistakes
Changing perfectionism does not mean becoming careless or giving up on your goals.
Instead, it can mean learning that mistakes, setbacks, and imperfect outcomes are part of being human.
Giving yourself permission to make mistakes can help loosen the pressure to perform perfectly. It can also create room to try new things without requiring certainty that you will succeed.
The focus can gradually shift from “How can I do this perfectly?” to “How can I do this well enough while allowing myself to learn?”
Creating a more balanced sense of self-worth
Perfectionism can make achievement feel like the main measure of your value.
If your self-worth depends heavily on meeting demanding standards, setbacks can feel especially difficult. Building a more balanced sense of self-worth means recognizing that your value is not determined solely by your productivity, performance, or accomplishments.
CCI's later perfectionism modules encourage people to reconsider the importance they place on achievement and develop a more balanced basis for judging their self-worth.
How therapy can help with perfectionism
Changing long-standing perfectionistic patterns can take time. Therapy can provide a space to understand where these patterns come from, identify the thoughts and behaviours that maintain them, and practice responding to yourself differently.
Cognitive behavioural approaches can be particularly useful for working with perfectionism by addressing the thoughts and behaviours that contribute to the cycle. CCI's Perfectionism in Perspective resources are based primarily on cognitive behavioural therapy.
At Reflections Therapy in Markham, a therapist can work with you to explore perfectionistic patterns and develop healthier ways of approaching mistakes, expectations, achievement, and self-worth.
You don't have to be perfect
Having high standards is not inherently a problem. The important question is whether those standards are helping you move toward the life you want or creating constant pressure to prove yourself.
You can still care about doing well while giving yourself permission to make mistakes, learn from setbacks, and recognize your accomplishments.
You do not have to be perfect to be doing enough.
References
Centre for Clinical Interventions. (2019). Perfectionism: Self-help resources and workbooks. Government of Western Australia, Department of Health. Centre for Clinical Interventions — Perfectionism
Centre for Clinical Interventions. (2009). Perfectionism in Perspective: Module 1 — What is Perfectionism? Government of Western Australia, Department of Health.
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