Sometimes, we all create personal rules to protect ourselves from feeling hurt or rejected. For example, you might think, “If someone doesn’t like me, then I must be worthless.” To avoid feeling rejected, you might have rules like, “If I always please everyone, they won’t reject me,” or “If I put others' needs first, I won’t be abandoned.” These rules help you manage feelings of inadequacy but often lead to more stress and don’t actually address the core belief that you’re worthless if not liked.
Why These Rules Aren’t Helping
The problem with these personal rules is that they’re often very hard to follow and don’t challenge the deeper belief. For instance, if your rule is to always please everyone to avoid rejection, you’re not really testing the belief that you’re worthless if someone doesn’t like you. This can keep you from facing and challenging the core belief. It’s a bit like having a rule that says, “I must drink to cope with stress,” without ever trying to see if you can manage without it.
Questions to Consider
To explore how these rules are affecting you, ask yourself:
“What rules do I follow to avoid rejection or failure? For example, ‘In order to avoid rejection, I try to...’”
“What do I avoid to prevent failure or rejection? For instance, ‘To avoid failure, I tend to avoid...’”
Example in Action
Let’s say you have a perfectionist streak and avoid taking on new challenges because you’re scared of failing. You might believe that failing means you’re stupid. As a result, you avoid challenges to avoid finding out that you’re not as smart as you think you should be. But what if instead of avoiding challenges, you allowed yourself to try and potentially fail? You might discover that you’re not as dumb as you feared, or you might realize that failure doesn’t define your worth.
Home Exercise
Consider this: We often use certain rules to try to prevent bad things from happening. For example, some people think, “If I worry enough, I’ll be prepared for anything.” This is a type of “conditional belief”—a belief meant to protect us. Try using a worksheet to identify your own conditional beliefs, like “If I impress everyone, then I’ll be accepted.”
When Conditional Beliefs Aren’t Useful
Sometimes, you might believe that these rules are necessary and useful. It’s important to remember that we’re just gathering information at this stage. Later, you can evaluate if these rules actually help you or if they’re keeping you from challenging deeper beliefs.
Evaluating Deeper Beliefs
Often, we have secondary beliefs about what we should do if we think we’ve failed or are not good enough. For instance, if you believe “If I fail, then I must be a failure,” you might also think, “If I’m a failure, I should criticize myself” or “I don’t deserve happiness.” These secondary beliefs lead to self-criticism and avoidance, making things worse.
Exploring These Beliefs
To explore these deeper beliefs, ask yourself:
“What should I do if I think I’m a failure? For example, ‘If I’m a failure, I should...’”
“How does this belief affect me? For instance, ‘If I criticize myself, does it motivate me or make me give up?’”
Example in Action
Imagine you think, “If I fail at something, I’m a failure.” Your secondary belief might be, “If I’m a failure, I should be self-critical.” But does self-criticism actually help you improve, or does it make you feel worse and less motivated? What if instead, you treated yourself with compassion and kindness when you failed? How would that change how you feel and respond?
Conclusion
By understanding and challenging these personal rules and deeper beliefs, you can start to shift how you respond to failure and rejection. This process involves recognizing the conditional rules you’ve set up to avoid pain and critically evaluating whether they truly serve you. Over time, embracing a more compassionate and realistic approach can help you develop healthier responses and a more positive self-view. Remember, the goal is not just to avoid pain but to foster a sense of self-worth and resilience that doesn’t rely on perfection or constant approval from others.
References:
Resource: Cognitive Therapy Techniques
Pages: 123 - 126
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