Understanding and Shifting How We Think About Emotions

Chris Zhang
Jul 19
4 min read

We all experience emotions—sadness, anxiety, anger, happiness, boredom—because they're part of being human. But just as important as the emotion itself is how we think about it. Some of us view certain feelings as "bad" or overwhelming. Others might feel ashamed of having strong emotions or believe their feelings will never disappear. These beliefs about our emotions are called emotional schemas.

An emotional schema is your theory about your feelings. It’s the story you tell yourself when you’re sad, anxious, or angry. For example, if you feel anxious, you might think: “This is going to last forever,” “Other people wouldn’t feel this way,” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this.” These beliefs can make emotions feel more intense and harder to manage.

How We React to Emotions Matters

Imagine someone going through a breakup. They feel sad, angry, maybe even a little relieved. But they believe they should only have one emotion at a time. Or they think their sadness is a sign of weakness. Or maybe they’re worried that others wouldn’t understand how they feel. These beliefs make it harder to process what they’re feeling and may lead to unhelpful coping strategies—like numbing with alcohol, pushing people away, or obsessively worrying.

What we believe about our emotions can either help us heal—or keep us stuck. When we can view emotions as understandable, temporary, and shared by others, we're better able to accept and express them. This helps us move through them, rather than fight against them.

A Real-Life Example

One woman came to therapy after separating from her husband. She felt sad and anxious, but was confused by her reactions, especially all the crying. “I’m usually happy,” she said. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She thought her emotions didn’t make sense and that no one else would feel this way. Her therapist gently helped her explore those beliefs and asked, “How do you think most people feel after a separation?” Slowly, she began to realize that sadness, relief, and confusion were actually very common responses.

She also compared herself to her sister, who has bipolar disorder, and worried that crying made her seem unstable. Her therapist helped her see that expressing emotion doesn’t mean she’s “crazy”—it means she cares deeply and that this phase of grief is part of a meaningful life transition.

Mapping Our Emotional Beliefs

There’s a tool called the Leahy Emotional Schema Scale (LESS-II) that helps you uncover the beliefs you hold about your emotions. It explores areas like:

Whether you think your feelings will last a long time
If you feel ashamed of certain emotions
Whether you think others would understand your feelings
How much control do you believe you have over your emotions

You can use this tool with a therapist or on your own to become more aware of how you react to your own emotions.

Changing Emotional Beliefs: It's Possible

Once you’ve identified your emotional schemas, the next step is learning how to shift them. Start by asking yourself:

Do I think this emotion will last forever?
Do I feel like I’ll lose control if I let myself feel it?
Do I believe others would understand or relate to what I’m feeling?
Am I judging myself for having this feeling?

Many of our emotional reactions come from old beliefs or habits, not from the emotion itself. When we believe an emotion is dangerous, shameful, or never-ending, we’re more likely to avoid or suppress it. But avoidance can backfire, making emotions stronger and more persistent.

Exploring New Ways to Cope

With support, you can challenge these old beliefs and try new strategies. For instance:

Accept that emotions are temporary and normal
Express your feelings in healthy ways
Link your emotions to your values (e.g., sadness after a breakup may show how much connection matters to you)
Learn to tolerate mixed feelings rather than trying to “figure out the right one.”

Let’s say someone believes they should only feel one emotion at a time. A therapist might say: “Could it be that every feeling you have makes sense in its way? That sadness reflects your loss, anxiety shows your uncertainty about the future, and relief comes from no longer being stuck in a difficult relationship?” That shift in thinking can reduce confusion and bring some emotional clarity.

What You Can Try at Home

Try journaling or reflecting on an emotion that’s been difficult lately—maybe it’s anxiety, loneliness, or sadness. Ask yourself:

What do I believe about this emotion?
What does it say about me?
Do I believe others would feel this way, too?
What strategies do I use when I feel this way—do they help or hurt?

You have a right to your feelings. That doesn’t mean you can’t also question whether your beliefs about those feelings are helping you, or keeping you stuck. Therapy can help you find ways to feel better without needing to invalidate what you’re going through.

References

Cognitive Therapy Techniques

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