When Love Hurts: How Raw Spots Sabotage Relationships (and How to Heal Them)
- Sakshi Kaur
- Jul 31
- 5 min read
Relationships are supposed to be a place of safety, comfort, and connection, yet many couples find themselves caught in painful cycles of fighting, distance, or misunderstanding. The culprit isn’t always the surface-level disagreement. More often, it’s something deeper: raw spots.
In the world of relationship psychology, raw spots are emotional bruises from past hurts, neglect, or trauma. When rubbed, they unleash powerful emotional reactions that can leave both partners feeling confused, hurt, and disconnected. Understanding raw spots is the first step to breaking destructive patterns and finding closeness again.
What Are Raw Spots in Relationships?
A raw spot is a tender emotional vulnerability. It often stems from earlier experiences, perhaps being abandoned, betrayed, or neglected. These bruises don’t just disappear with time. Instead, they linger under the surface and get triggered when something in our present relationship resembles that past pain.
For example, if you grew up feeling like you didn’t matter, a partner who forgets to check in with you may unknowingly hit that wound, sparking an intense reaction.
Therapist and researcher Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), calls raw spots the hidden accelerants of conflict. They don’t just sting; they can set a whole relationship on fire.
The “Demon Dialogues”: When Raw Spots Take Control
When raw spots get triggered, couples often find themselves locked in what Johnson calls the Demon Dialogues, destructive cycles that keep them stuck. Two common ones are:
1. The Protest Polka
Mike and Jessie’s story illustrates this cycle.
Mike swings between sad declarations of love and angry rants about Jessie’s daughter taking her attention.
When he was sick, he resented Jessie for being too preoccupied to comfort him.
They end up poking each other’s wounds over and over, without resolution.
This pattern is fueled by protests for love and connection — but expressed through anger, blame, and hurt.
2. Freeze and Flee
Tom and Brenda’s story shows another destructive dance.
After the birth of their baby, Brenda focuses almost entirely on the child.
Tom feels unwanted and retaliates by threatening to leave and flirt with someone else.
Brenda, already insecure, withdraws even further.
This cycle leaves both partners lonely and unheard, one fleeing while the other freezes.
Both examples highlight how raw spots sabotage loving responsiveness, leaving partners feeling more like enemies than teammates.
Signs a Raw Spot Has Been Rubbed
So how can you tell when a raw spot is in play? There are two main clues:
1. A Sudden Emotional Shift
You might be joking one minute and then feel the temperature in the room drop the next. Your partner’s face tightens, their voice turns sharp, or they suddenly go cold. It feels like a switch flipped without warning.
As one man described: “We were in the car having a normal chat, and suddenly it felt like ice filled the air. She turned away from me, her mouth set in a line, like she wished I didn’t exist.”
2. A Disproportionate Reaction
The response seems far bigger than the trigger. Maybe you were a few minutes late and your partner reacts with intense anger, or you said something offhand and they withdraw completely.
This isn’t about the small event, it’s about the deeper attachment fear underneath: Am I loved? Do I matter? Will you leave me?
The Science Behind Raw Spots
When a raw spot gets rubbed, here’s what happens — often in less than a second:
An attachment cue sets off alarm. A certain look, tone, or phrase signals danger to your emotional brain.
The body reacts instantly. You might feel your chest tighten, your stomach churn, or your voice rise.
The mind scrambles for meaning. Thoughts like “They don’t want me” or “I’m not enough” spiral into panic.
We move into action.
Anger pushes us to fight.
Shame makes us withdraw.
Fear urges us to flee.
Sadness pulls us into despair.
Charles Darwin once tested his control over fear by standing in front of a striking snake at the London Zoo, trying not to flinch. He never succeeded, his body always reacted before his mind could intervene. That’s how raw spots work in love: our emotional brain takes over before logic catches up.
Why Some People Have Deeper Raw Spots
Not all raw spots are equal.
People who grew up in secure, loving homes usually have fewer and shallower raw spots. When conflict happens, they can recover quickly.
Those who experienced neglect, abuse, or betrayal often carry larger, more sensitive wounds. Trusting a partner’s love can feel nearly impossible.
As one veteran and abuse survivor put it: “I am just one big raw spot. I crave soothing, but sometimes I can’t tell if her touch is comfort or another cut.”
Healing takes longer for those with deeper wounds, but it’s absolutely possible.
Healing Raw Spots: How Love Transforms
The good news? We are not prisoners of our past. Research by psychologist Joanne Davila and others shows that with a responsive and caring partner, we can “earn” a secure attachment, even if we didn’t start with one.
Here are a few steps couples can take:
1. Learn to Recognize the Signs
Notice sudden emotional shifts or disproportionate reactions. Instead of brushing them off, ask: “Could this be a raw spot?”
2. Tune Into the Underlying Need
Behind anger is often a plea for connection: “Do I matter to you?” Behind withdrawal is fear: “If I show myself, will you reject me?”
3. Share Vulnerably
Instead of lashing out, try expressing the tender need:
Instead of: “You never care about me,”
Say: “When you turn away, I feel invisible, and I’m scared you don’t need me.”
4. Respond With Reassurance
Partners can soothe each other by listening, validating, and offering comfort rather than defensiveness. Love isn’t about perfection, it’s about showing up when the other feels vulnerable.
How Therapy Can Help
While couples can make progress on their own, therapy offers a powerful space to heal raw spots. Approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) help partners identify their cycles, uncover hidden attachment needs, and learn new ways to respond with empathy and love.
A therapist can guide couples to:
Recognize destructive patterns like Protest Polka or Freeze and Flee
Understand the attachment fears driving their reactions
Create new, emotionally safe interactions
Build trust and responsiveness over time
Therapy doesn’t erase the past, but it rewrites the present, giving couples the tools to turn painful raw spots into opportunities for deeper connection.
Conclusion
Raw spots are part of being human. They remind us how deeply we long for love, comfort, and belonging. But if left unchecked, they can sabotage even the strongest relationships. By recognizing when a raw spot is rubbed, tuning into the deeper need beneath the reaction, and responding with compassion, couples can stop destructive cycles and find closeness again.
And with the support of therapy, even the deepest wounds can heal. Because love, when nurtured, really does have the power to transform us.
Reference
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
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