Friends Don’t Fight (Forever): Handling Resistance the Right Way
- Sakshi Kaur
- Jul 18
- 5 min read
Everyone has disagreements sometimes. Maybe you fight with your parents about chores, argue with friends over games, or feel frustrated when someone says “no” to you. Conflict is a normal part of life, but it can be stressful and hurtful if we don’t handle it well.
When people disagree or resist what we want, we often feel angry, sad, or misunderstood. We might want to yell, cry, or walk away. But there are better ways to handle these feelings and respond to conflict. Learning these skills helps us keep our relationships strong, even when we don’t see eye to eye.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of counseling that teaches people skills to handle big feelings and tough situations. One important DBT skill is about dealing with resistance and conflict in relationships. It teaches us how to manage our emotions, communicate clearly, and respect others, even when things get heated (Dialectical Behavior Therapy, n.d.).
Understanding Resistance and Conflict
Resistance happens when someone pushes back against what you want. Maybe your friend says “I don’t want to do that,” or your sibling refuses to share. Conflict is when you and another person have different needs, opinions, or goals that clash. For example, you want to watch one TV show while your sibling wants another, or you want to hang out with friends when your parents want you home early.
These situations can make us upset. We might feel ignored, hurt, or angry. We might want to argue or give up. But conflict isn’t always bad. It can be an opportunity to understand each other better and find fair solutions. Learning how to handle resistance and conflict can actually make relationships stronger because it shows you care enough to work things out (Dialectical Behavior Therapy, n.d.).
DBT teaches us that when we face conflict or resistance, we have choices in how we respond. We don’t have to react with yelling, blaming, or shutting down. Instead, we can use interpersonal effectiveness skills to talk things through and solve problems in a respectful way.
Building Skills to Handle Conflict
DBT describes several steps for handling resistance and conflict in healthy ways. These steps are simple but powerful.
1. Stay Calm and Notice Your Feelings:
When someone resists what you want, it can make you mad or sad right away. Your face might get hot, your heart might race, or you might want to yell. The first step is to notice these feelings and take a moment to calm down. You can take a deep breath, count to ten, or pause before you speak. This helps you avoid saying something mean you might regret later.
2. Check the Situation:
Ask yourself: Is this really worth fighting about? Sometimes we get upset over small things that don’t really matter. If it’s not that important, you might decide to let it go. If it is important, think about why. Why do you want what you want? What does the other person want? Understanding both sides helps you find a fair solution.
3. Use Clear and Respectful Communication:
Instead of yelling or demanding, try explaining what you want in a calm, clear way. Use “I” statements, like “I feel frustrated when you say no because I was looking forward to it.” This is better than saying “You’re so mean!” or “You never listen!” because it focuses on your feelings instead of blaming.
4. Listen to the Other Person:
Good communication means listening, not just talking. Ask the other person why they feel the way they do. Try to really understand their side, even if you don’t agree. You can say, “I hear that you’re tired and don’t want to go out,” or “I get that you want to watch your show too.” When people feel heard, they’re more willing to compromise.
5. Problem-Solve Together:
Once you both understand each other’s needs, try to find a solution that works for both of you. Maybe you can take turns, split time evenly, or do something else entirely. Compromise shows respect and keeps the relationship strong.
These steps help turn a heated argument into a calm discussion. They don’t mean you’ll always get your way, but they make it more likely you’ll be treated fairly, and that you’ll treat others fairly too (Dialectical Behavior Therapy, n.d.).
How Psychotherapy Can Help
Even though these steps sound simple, they can be hard to do, especially when you’re upset. That’s where psychotherapy, or talk therapy, can really help.
In therapy, you can learn and practice DBT skills in a safe space. A therapist will teach you how to recognize your feelings before they explode, how to calm yourself down, and how to talk about tough topics without fighting. You might practice these conversations with your therapist, so you feel more ready to try them in real life (Linehan, 2015).
Therapy is also a place where you can talk about why conflict feels so hard for you. Maybe you’ve had bad experiences where talking about problems led to yelling or even getting hurt. Maybe you were taught to keep feelings inside or always do what others want. A therapist will help you understand these patterns and learn healthier ways to handle disagreements.
Sometimes, conflict happens over and over with the same people, like family members or friends. Therapy can help you and the other person talk things out with a counselor guiding you. This is called conflict resolution. The therapist helps you both share feelings, listen better, and make new agreements so you don’t keep fighting about the same things.
Psychotherapy isn’t about saying you’re wrong for feeling angry or sad. It’s about helping you figure out what to do with those feelings so you don’t hurt yourself or others. It’s about learning skills to handle tough conversations in a way that keeps relationships healthy and strong.
Conclusion
Conflict is a normal part of life. We won’t always agree with friends, family, or classmates. But how we handle resistance and disagreements matters. If we react with yelling, blaming, or ignoring, it can hurt our relationships. But if we learn to stay calm, talk clearly, listen, and find fair solutions, we can keep our relationships strong, even when we don’t agree.
DBT teaches us simple, effective steps for handling resistance and conflict. And psychotherapy gives us a safe place to learn, practice, and talk about why these situations can be so hard. With help and practice, anyone can get better at handling disagreements in a kind, respectful way.
So next time you feel that rush of anger or frustration when someone says “no,” try to pause. Take a deep breath. Remember that conflict doesn’t have to break your bond. With honesty, respect, and a willingness to listen, you can turn conflict into a chance to grow closer and understand each other better.
References
Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (n.d.). Resistance and conflict: Couples and individuals. Retrieved from https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/interpersonal-effectiveness/resisitance-and-conflict/
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
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