Why We Fight the Same Fight: The Truth About the Protest Polka

Sakshi Kaur
Jul 31
4 min read

Relationships can be wonderful, but they can also be tough. Sometimes, couples who love each other still end up stuck in painful cycles of arguing, silence, or distance. Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading psychologist, calls these negative cycles “Demon Dialogues.” They aren’t about one partner being “bad” or “wrong.” Instead, they’re unhealthy patterns that couples fall into when they feel hurt, unheard, or disconnected.

In this blog, we’ll focus on two of these cycles: the overall idea of the Demon Dialogues and one of the most common patterns, the Protest Polka. We’ll explore what they look like, why they happen, and how couples can move beyond them. Finally, we’ll see how psychotherapy, especially Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can help partners find healing and closeness again.

What Are the Demon Dialogues?

The Demon Dialogues are three common patterns that couples often slip into when they feel unsafe or disconnected in their relationship. They are:

Find the Bad Guy – Both partners blame each other, trading accusations instead of solving problems.
The Protest Polka – One partner pushes for attention or closeness, while the other pulls away to avoid conflict.
Freeze and Flee – Both partners shut down, avoiding talking about the problem at all.

These patterns are called “demon dialogues” because they seem to take over the relationship like unwanted guests. Once a couple falls into one of these cycles, it can feel almost impossible to break free.

Why Do Demon Dialogues Happen?

At the heart of most Demon Dialogues is a deep fear: the fear of losing connection with the person you love most. Humans are wired to seek closeness and safety with others, especially in romantic relationships. When that closeness feels threatened, our brains send out alarms.

Some people respond by reaching out strongly—raising their voices, asking lots of questions, or demanding reassurance.
Others respond by pulling back—staying quiet, changing the subject, or leaving the room.

Neither partner is trying to hurt the other. They’re both reacting to fear in different ways. Unfortunately, their reactions often trigger each other, creating a painful cycle.

The Protest Polka: A Closer Look

One of the most common Demon Dialogues is the Protest Polka. The name may sound funny, but it describes a dance that many couples know all too well.

How It Works

In the Protest Polka:

One partner (the pursuer) feels disconnected and starts pushing for closeness. This might sound like:
- “Why don’t you ever talk to me anymore?”
- “You’re always on your phone instead of with me.”
- “Do you even care about us?”
The other partner (the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed by the criticism and pulls away. They might:
- Go silent.
- Leave the room.
- Say, “You’re overreacting.”
- Avoid answering questions.

The more the pursuer pushes, the more the withdrawer backs away. The more the withdrawer avoids, the louder the pursuer gets. Around and around they go, just like a never-ending dance.

Why It Hurts

The Protest Polka is painful for both partners:

The pursuer feels rejected, unimportant, and desperate for reassurance.
The withdrawer feels attacked, hopeless, and afraid that nothing they do will be “good enough.”

Both people want love and connection, but the dance keeps them apart.

Signs You Might Be in the Protest Polka

You and your partner might be stuck in the Protest Polka if:

Arguments always circle back to the same issues.
One of you often says, “You never listen to me.”
One partner usually raises their voice while the other goes quiet.
After a fight, one person still wants to talk, while the other avoids the conversation.
You both end up feeling lonely, even though you’re together.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step to changing it.

Breaking Free from the Protest Polka

Escaping the Protest Polka isn’t about deciding who’s “right” or “wrong.” It’s about slowing down the dance and understanding what’s really happening underneath the arguments.

Here are some steps couples can take:

Notice the Pattern Together Try saying, “I think we’re doing that push–pull thing again,” instead of blaming each other. Naming the cycle helps you fight the problem instead of fighting each other.
Share Feelings, Not Accusations Instead of “You never pay attention to me,” try “I feel lonely when we don’t talk in the evenings.” Feelings are easier to hear than accusations.
Take Breaks When Needed If emotions get too high, agree to pause the conversation and come back when you’re both calmer.
Look for the Deeper Need Behind every protest is usually a need for reassurance: “Am I still important to you?” Try to listen for the fear behind the words.
Consider Professional Help Sometimes, couples need guidance to change these patterns. That’s where therapy can help.

Moving From Hurt to Healing

Changing these patterns isn’t about never fighting again. All couples disagree sometimes. The real goal is to create safety and trust so that arguments don’t turn into Demon Dialogues.

When couples learn to share their fears and needs openly, they begin to heal. They no longer see each other as the enemy but as partners facing the problem together.

This is where psychotherapy can make a huge difference. Therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) help couples recognize when they are caught in a Demon Dialogue. Instead of repeating old cycles, the therapist guides them to talk about their deeper feeling, like fear of being unloved or fear of rejection, in a safe and supportive way.

Psychotherapy provides:

A neutral space where both partners can be heard.
Tools to recognize unhealthy patterns before they spiral out of control.
New ways to connect emotionally so partners feel safe, valued, and loved again.

Research shows that couples who go through EFT often see lasting improvements. About 70 to 75 percent move from distress to recovery, and up to 90 percent report better communication and closeness.

The Demon Dialogues, Find the Bad Guy, the Protest Polka, and Freeze and Flee, don’t have to control a relationship. With the support of psychotherapy, couples can stop dancing to the old, painful music and create a new dance built on trust, safety, and love.

References

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.