“We’re Not Really Fighting About Dishes: The Truth About Emotional Disconnection”
- Sakshi Kaur
- Jul 25
- 4 min read
“We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” – Sigmund Freud
Have you ever had a big fight with someone you care about and thought, “Why did that even happen?” Maybe it started with something small, like a forgotten text or a joke that hurt. But suddenly, things got loud or cold, and both people walked away upset.
You’re not alone. Most couples argue about little things. But under those fights is something much deeper: a fear of losing love.
This blog will explain what’s really going on in those hard moments, why we react the way we do, and how therapy can help bring people closer again.
What We Think We're Fighting About
At first, it looks like couples are arguing about normal stuff:
“You’re always on your phone.”
“We never go out anymore.”
“You don’t help with the kids.”
But these aren’t just complaints. They’re signs that someone feels hurt, alone, or unsure in the relationship.
When people don’t feel close or cared for, even small problems can feel huge. It’s like when you’re really hungry and even a snack wrapper sounds loud, it’s not the noise, it’s that your needs aren’t being met.
Love and the Need to Feel Safe
We all need to feel safe with the people we love. Not just safe from harm, but safe emotionally.
That means:
Knowing someone will be there when you need them
Feeling important to them
Trusting that you matter, even during tough times
This need starts when we’re babies, but it doesn’t go away when we grow up. In romantic relationships, that special person becomes our “safe place.”
But when that bond feels weak or unsure, maybe they seem distant or upset, we panic inside. That fear can make us act in ways that actually push the other person away, even if we don’t mean to.
The Panic We Don't Talk About
When we feel disconnected from someone we love, we often feel scared. Experts call this attachment panic. It’s a strong feeling inside that says: “I might lose this person.”
We don’t always say that out loud. Instead, we act out in two main ways:
We get loud or clingy: We yell, complain, or demand attention. We’re really saying, “Please notice me! I need to know you care.”
We shut down or pull away: We get quiet, leave the room, or ignore messages. We’re really thinking, “This hurts too much. I need to protect myself.”
These two reactions often happen together. One person gets louder, the other gets quieter. This can go in circles, and both people end up hurt and confused.
The Same Fight, Over and Over
Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson calls this cycle a “Demon Dialogue.” It’s not about one fight, it’s a pattern that repeats. She explains it with examples like:
The Protest Polka: One partner complains or protests, the other backs away. The more one pushes, the more the other pulls back.
Find the Bad Guy: Both people blame each other instead of talking about their fears or needs.
Freeze and Flee: Both people shut down and stop trying at all.
In all these patterns, the real message underneath is: "I miss you. I need to feel close again."
How Our Brains Make Things Worse
Our brains are built to protect us. So when we think love is at risk, our brain says, “Danger!”, even if the threat is just a late reply or a weird tone of voice.
This is called primal panic, and it happens fast. We don’t always realize it. But once we’re in that panic, we stop thinking clearly. We just want to fight or run away.
That’s why arguments can blow up so quickly. We’re not just mad, we’re scared.
Real-Life Example
Imagine a couple, Mia and Jordan. Mia feels like Jordan doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t ask about her day or hold her hand like he used to. So Mia starts snapping at him or saying things like, “You never pay attention to me.”
Jordan doesn’t know how to handle that, so he pulls away. He spends more time at work or watching TV. Mia sees that and feels even more alone. And Jordan feels like he can’t do anything right.
They’re stuck in a cycle. But both of them are really just asking the same thing in different ways: “Do I still matter to you?”
What Helps: Feeling Safe Again
To stop this cycle, couples need more than just better communication. They need to feel safe with each other again.
This means learning how to:
Be open: Say what you really feel, like “I miss you” instead of “You never care.”
Listen kindly: Hear the fear under the words, not just the anger.
Show up: Be there when your partner reaches out, even if they’re doing it awkwardly.
When couples can do these things, they feel close again. The fear fades, and trust grows.
How Therapy Can Help
Sometimes, couples need help getting unstuck. That’s where emotionally focused therapy (EFT) comes in.
EFT is a type of couple’s therapy that helps people:
Understand why they fight
Find the feelings underneath the anger or silence
Learn how to talk in ways that bring them closer
The therapist guides couples to have honest, safe talks where they can say things like:
“I get angry because I’m afraid of losing you.”
“I shut down because I don’t know how to ask for help.”
These are big, brave things to say. But when partners hear each other in this way, it changes everything.
Conclusion: Love Needs Safety
Fights in relationships are usually not about the surface issue. They’re about feeling disconnected, scared, or unloved. Underneath the yelling, silence, or blame is often just one question: “Are you still there for me?”
The good news is that relationships can heal. With support, understanding, and sometimes therapy, couples can rebuild trust and learn how to show up for each other again.
Because in the end, what we all want is simple: To love and to feel loved, without fear.
References
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
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